DAY 13. PEOPLE OF INFLUENCE

 

List the names of people in your life--parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, step-relatives, anyone else connected to your mission statement.

Next to each name write a few words to describe them, both positive and negative.

Then think about yourself and write about the traits that apply to you, too.

 

Examples

List & description

Mother: quiet, loving, stay-at-home, close to her siblings, an enigma to me, sacrificed for us but started to do what she enjoyed later in life

 

Father: athletic, drinker, to be avoided when drinking, supportive of kids, hard-working

 

Brother: athletic, liked to have a good time, served in VN

 

Brother: athletic, popular, humorous, friendly, draws people to him, conservative

 

Grandmother: immigrant, stay-at-home, elementary education, spoke English somewhat, helped grandkids

 

Grandmother: immigrant, spoke little English, elementary education, quiet, reserved, hard-working, suffered from a condition that caused a limp, hard to get to know

 

Ciocia Sophie: educated, married to businessman, well-to-do, teacher, loved her sister (my mother)

 

Uncle Jimmy: bachelor, took care of his mother, worked hard, smoked, lots of health issues in later life, loved his sister (my mother)

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Uncle Steve: bachelor, lived with Jimmy and mother, veteran, worked hard, smoked, bowled, hung out at Democratic clubhouse, my godfather, fun to be around

 

Cousin Marcia: well-educated, very smart, teacher, proud, always criticized me for something.

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Writing of traits that apply to you

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I am a mishmash of traits from almost all of my close family members.

           

Like my mother, I had a low self-image and was very quiet and shy around other people. But like my father, I worked hard at whatever job I had, was (and still am) athletic, sports-oriented, and somewhat of a bossy bully.

           

My grandmother (Babu) was the dominant leader of the family. This was probably because her husband died in his fifties and she had to be in charge. I tend to take charge, especially in my work world once I established myself. I sought leadership positions and perhaps my bossy side showed, though I like to think it was my desire to get things done rather than spend so much time thinking about a move that the move was never made or made too late.

           

My other grandmother (Babci) stayed in the background of family events, probably because speaking English was difficult for her. As a child and in my young adult life, I took a backseat to just about everyone else in social situations.

 

The relative who made me feel least important and valuable was my cousin Marcia. She came from the wealthier side of the family, and she took many opportunities to embarrass me. Here’s one example. My dad coached a high school soccer team that was winless. Unkindly, we teased him about it, especially since my two brothers played on an opposing team that was very good. When I was in eighth grade, the family gathered for a birthday celebration. My parents, grandmothers, uncles and aunts, brothers, and cousins were in attendance. My cousin Marcia, who was about twenty-one at the time, mentioned a recent newspaper article that had praised my father for his work with the team despite the losing record. She said, “Uncle Ted, the article complimented you. It said you have a winning attitude.”

I tried to be part of the adult conversation and be funny. So, I said, “Well, he doesn’t have a winning team!”

Marcia peered at me with a look that cut through my heart and soul. Immediately, I knew I said the wrong thing. She then said, “You should respect your father. That is an awful thing to say. But I guess that’s the best we can expect from you. Maybe when you mature, you won’t say such stupid things.”

I was humbled and embarrassed. And so began years of being afraid to say much for fear of saying something “stupid.”

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On the other hand, besides the encouragement my parents gave me throughout my life, my Uncle Jimmy and Uncle Steve made me feel good about myself, too. Uncle Jimmy was somewhat of a contradiction, but a very typical one for his generation. He was prejudiced towards those who were different. It wasn’t hatred or a desire to hold them back. His experiences growing up as a first-generation American were with people who looked like him, and the few experiences he had with those who were different were negative. So it was wrong, but it was all he knew. However, to his credit, if he came across someone whose car was broken down on the side of the road, he would stop and help them. If he met someone in the supermarket who needed help carrying groceries, he would carry them. Even though he offered a helping hand to them, when he spoke about those who were different, he spoke critically. Thankfully, actions speak louder than words.

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Uncle Steve, younger than Jimmy and more Americanized as a result of his service in the US Navy, was less prejudiced, though family influences were evident at times. Both uncles took an interest in what I was doing. They wanted to know if my teams were winning, if I was doing well in school, if I got a job, if I was happy in that job. No judgments were made. For me, just their asking was like a pat on the back. And when they grew older and illnesses sidelined them, I tried to help though I know I did not do enough.